Finally, I, Evan Jacobs, the god-come-to-earth that you all love so unconditionally, have a blog. Granted, it’s my third blog after www.esjacobs.blogspot.com and www.keithandevansblog.blogspot.com, but this is my first WordPress blog and my first real blog about comedy. Why should you read it? I’ll give you one reason. No, fuck that, I’ll give you five reasons.
1. I‘m funny! As a comedian and writer, people depend on me to make them smile, get them through the day, and be the one thought that stops them from imminent suicide. Worst case scenario: if you don’t want to laugh with me, you can feel free to laugh at me. I hate you!
2. I say the things that I think, for real! Most people are born with natural filter that stops them from saying things that would offend people, annoy people, bore people, or shock people. I don’t have that filter. I am also missing most of my brain. It happened in a freak nail-clipping accident. Ready for some unfiltered-ness? I think the idea of karma is stupid. Bam!
3. Reading my blog will make your penis bigger. Are you satisfied with your size? Are you sure? My blog is the only natural, herbal supplement proven to enhance male genitalia. All you have to do is read it, then quickly hit yourself in the crotch with a hammer.
4. I self-deprecate! Just because I am an awesome comedian, beautiful writer, and virile lover, doesn’t mean that I’m not a worthless piece of shit. Come feel better about yourself by listening to my in-depth descriptions of my inadequacies.
5. This blog cost $450M to make and is in REAL 3D IMAX. Not only that, but this blog is set to make well over a billion dollars worldwide and will shatter box-office records. James Cameron worked on this blog for 15 years. (In case you are reading this in a few years, this blog came out very close to the opening of Avatar. I hope Avatar 2 and 3 were just as successful as the first one. I also hope that I am still living and am still out of prison.)