Fuck you, Gordon Ramsay!
Half the words that come out of Gordon Ramsay’s wrinkled mouth are absolute bullshit.
As far as I’m concerned, Gordon Ramsay is the Jack Bauer/Carrie Mathison/Simon Cowell of cooking. The dude is always right. When he says you’re a shit cook, these scallops are fucking raw, you’ll kill somebody with them, piss off you stupid donkey, he’s absolutely correct.
You can’t cook scallops to save your life and you should quit before you take someone else’s.
I trust Gordo more than I trust myself. If Gordon Ramsay told me to jump off a bridge, I’d say “Yes, Chef!” And I am well aware of his past indiscretions.
Thus, it has recently pained me to notice that Gordo has a proclivity for using meaningless words. Here are some of my favorites:
Nice, as in, “I would make a nice Caesar salad.”
Stunning, as in, “These tom-ah-toes are absolutely stunning.”
Fresh, as in, “I would make a fresh Caesar salad.”
Beautiful, as in, “The tom-ah-toes in this beautiful Caesar salad are beautiful.”
Gorgeous, as in, “This John Dory’s asshole is gorgeous.”
Delicious, as in, “In my dream last night, I defecated a delicious beef wellington.”
Perfect, as in, “What a perfect asshole this John Dory has.”
Just see how many times this motherfucker says “nice” in this video.
In many contexts, these words are filled with meaning, but when wielded by Gordo, they turn from words into a linguistic gelatinous blob, the equivalent of an “’umm,” or a “fucking,” or a “you know what I mean?”
You know what I mean?
For instance, when Gordon calls tom-ah-toes, or past-ah, or John Dory (which wikipedia tells me is a fish) nice or fresh or stunning, etc. Your first reaction is, “Yes, Chef.”
But upon closer inspection, you must wonder what he means. Any food that Gordo will allow his show to use will obviously be fresh. Only a suicidal person would give Gordo a rotten batch of tom-ah-toes. Moreover, there’s no reason to believe the tom-ah-toes he does use are particularly interesting. He never spends time describing where the tom-ah-toes are grown or what makes them any “nicer” than the ones you buy.
No, when Gordo says “nice tom-ah-toes” what he really means is “tom-ah-toes.”
And this goes beyond ingredients; it often extends to hypotheticals, for instance, when Joe or the fat guy (Graham) ask Gordon what he would do in a certain situation.
“I would make a stunning riz-ah-to and a fresh summer salad with a perfect dressing.”
Right, Gordo, of course you would. And I know why this dish will be stunning, fresh, and perfect: you’re fucking Gordon Ramsay! And for that reason, you don’t need to qualify your own food with its specific level of tastiness. Nobody thinks you’re going to make a shitty riz-ah-to and a wilted, inedible summer salad. That would make you, as you would put it, a crap cook.
When Gordo says these words in a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence would be any different if those words had been removed.
More often than not (and by “more often than not,” I mean “always”), the sentences will be completely unharmed and if anything, better off because they had been spared the excess words.
We use adjectives to describe nouns and give us more information about those nouns. What kind of ball? The red ball. What kind of asshole? The semen-filled asshole. “Red” and “semen-filled” provide us with information we wouldn’t have had otherwise.
But when Ramsay uses adjectives, they provide us with nothing.
Thus, I say to Gordon Ramsay, one of my favorite people, until you stop using meaningless adjectives, fuck you!