Evan’s reprinted Dolphin/Hurt Locker Review

A dolphin has both pros and cons for The Hurt Locker

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So The Hurt Locker won best picture! Here’s a review I did of it a few months ago when it came out. Enjoy!

Note from Evan: I love movies, always have, always will, unless movies turn into some weird ritual where you have to drink battery acid while miniature horses kick you with their back legs. Then I will really love movies. But, I haven’t seen every movie there is, and I am not so keen on knowing all the different directors (although I know many) or knowing what the best boy grip is (as far as I’m concerned, that was one of Michael Jackson’s pre-mortem activities). My dad has taught me some things about movies (he used to teach a couple courses where he would detail the history of film). So, even though I often talk about movies a lot to my friends, I feel that for this blog, it is best that I let this dolphin I know write the reviews, because you had might as well listen to him if you were planning on listening to me.

That’s me! Gimme a fish!
Evan’s Dolphin Movie Review #1
The Hurt Locker
Greetings from the seas! I am Eeheeheeheeheeheeheeh. Yes, I realize it’s a girl’s name, so you can blame my parents for that. But you can’t really blame them. As a dolphin, my penis stays inside my genital slit, so we all look like girls. I gotta tell you, last Saturday, I thought I was getting with the hottest babe, and one thing led to another, and let’s just say that he thought he was getting with a hot babe too.
My penis is in there somewhere…
Today, I am going to talk about the new movie, The Hurt Locker. From the human Director Kathryn Bigelow, who directed such human movies as Point Break and Strange Days, comes a movie about a group of human boom-stick carriers who are off in a far away land that seemed to have no water at all! Already, I was interested in this hellish landscape.
The boom-stick carriers, or U.S. Military Soldiers, as Evan angrily corrected me, are an EOD Unit. EOD stands for Explosive Ordinance Disposal, and for you dolphins out there, it means they are bomb diffusers. So, already we are not just in a war movie, we are in a movie that highlights the most dangerous parts of a war. After all, when most boom-stick carriers are running away from the bombs, these EOD guys are running toward them!
When the group loses their commanding officer, the two soldiers left, JT Sanborn (Anthony Mackie (a human actor you’ve never heard of who’s been in movies you’ve never heard of))
I’m a human! I think I’m better than dolphins!

and Owen Eldridge (Brian Geraghty (another human actor you’ve never heard of who’s been in more movies you’ve never heard of))

I’m wearing a tie! Do tricks for me, dolphin!

are given a new commanding officer, William James (Jeremy Renner (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and a bunch of movies you’ve never heard of)).

Nice trick, dolphin. I am satisfied. Here’s a fish!

On the first day of his command, the audience is given ample evidence that he might be a few corals short of a reef. He thrusts himself into conflict and does not follow normal protocol.
This scares the by-the-book Sanborn and the shell-shocked Eldrige. James’s antics might get them killed, and so the level of tension is raised and remains high. What follows is the depiction of the last few weeks of the unit’s tour as they get into wacky adventures involving disarming bombs, shooting at people, drinking, and doing many other non-dolphin-related activities.
In terms of human movies, this one is quite good. Each of the characters is rendered as a complex multi-dimensional human being, and each one is very different from the other. They clash and get along, fight and bond, and the audience is pulled with them the entire time without a thought of how many minutes are left in the film. The film is incredibly directed, with much shaky-camera footage but also a lot of beautiful still shots and scenes of action and story mixed well together, each sequence almost exploding like a bomb itself, especially one of the best sniper sequences this dolphin has ever cast his cold black eyes upon. It is a penetrating psychological study of what it means to be a soldier in this war, a soldier in itself, and even a human being. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I will say this: there were absolutely no dolphins in the film.
So, for my human rating system, I give this movie
4 out of 4 unexploded bombs.
For my dolphin rating system, because of its horrific lack of water or dolphins, I give this movie
1 out of 4 herring. It is perhaps one of the worst movies for dolphins ever.
I will be back the next time my human master, Evan, tells me to!
Thanks for reading,

Eeheeheeheeheeheeheeh

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